The coronavirus pandemic, which is far from over as I write this, has forced me to do some deep work. My husband is a remarkable man. I often tease him that he is my anchor, because back in the day of new and young love (how is it even possible that have we been married for 23 years?), he told me that I was like a beacon for him and, without missing a beat, I responded by telling him he was my anchor. He was not impressed with the comparison to a heavy piece of metal designed to limit movement, but anchor he has been and the grounding he provides is exactly what I need. This amazing man also happens to work in an emergency department, and I have always been happy for him that he loves his work as much as he does. I have also grown to understand that he found his calling – you really want someone like him there when your heart is stopping or you are bleeding to death. However, this March, with the number of coronavirus cases increasing daily in Connecticut, I found my mind going to all kinds of what ifs. What if he gets the virus? What if he brings it home and our two children, themselves recently evacuated from college, get sick? What if my husband and I both die and our children are left without parents? Yes, I have a worldview that greatly values service to humanity, but for a short while I forgot about my worldview and let the ugly voices of anxiety and fear reign supreme in my head. When I recognized that my mind was not in a good place, I did the one thing I knew would help. I prayed. The urgency of my prayers for protection for my husband, friends and everyone else on the front line increased. Then, one morning, a quiet knowing landed gently in my being, almost like a rose petal floating through the air. It came to me that all the learning and training that my husband has been through was to make him ready for moments like this. He had prepared himself to serve humanity in its time of need. Helping the sick is his calling – this was what he was created to do. I watched with puzzled curiosity as my fear and anxiety were replaced with gratitude for what my husband and everyone on the front line is doing: adapting to a new reality, being away from their families, and taking risks to help those in need. Thank you dearest one, and thank you everyone out there on the front line for making sacrifices daily for the good of all.
As for me, this pandemic has helped me lose the illusion that I am in control of every aspect of my life. I am very grateful for my husband and children, and also fully aware that everything could change in a moment. Perhaps this awareness is a gift.